In Their Words
The actual messages — not memory, not summary. What they wrote when they were falling in love, when they were hurt, when they were trying to repair, and when they couldn't anymore.
These excerpts are drawn from the full conversation record across 5.5 years. If you've lived through difficult relationship dynamics, you may recognize the echoes. The data is de-identified; the feelings are real.
When love was easy
In the beginning, both people wrote with unusual verbal generosity. Handwritten letters, constant check-ins, poetic declarations. These are the moments before the patterns took hold.
"He is genuine, he wouldn't mislead a soul with the intent to do so, and has everyone's best interest in heart. His character is one built on a strong moral compass... They say you like someone for their attributes or the good things, but you fall for someone for their faults."
— A, October 2017, handwritten letter
"You really came out of nowhere to me with your offer of friendship and a shoulder and ever since then I really have been so thankful to meet you... What really strikes me is your kindness and thoughtfulness. You're very gentle in the way you speak and also humble... I sense that your love for people stems from a deeper place than just social decorum."
— S, October 2017, letter
"Dusk is my favorite time of the day, and especially so with coffee and a heavy blanket. If it's outside it's even better. The sound of seagulls and touch of light breeze while standing on the beach. People who are comfortable in silence and soaking the surroundings in... Long talks by fire pits, it just feels other worldly... Movie nights after making a massive meal with someone close."
— A, October 2017, "little likes" list
"I'm a softer cuddler, sometimes I like to be super close and others just an arm over someone? Or even just touching but the fact of just having someone else there is wonderful."
— A, early relationship
When stress took over
A named her pattern early. S learned to recognize his. These are the moments when self-protection kicked in — not because either person wanted to hurt the other, but because their nervous systems had learned different survival strategies.
"sorry i stress so much and freak out... it turns me into a 'shut down' mode way too often... im just not used to opening up truly to someone and shutting down like i do is how ive made it so far. though i know i cant do that to you, and im working on it."
— A, early in the relationship, already aware
"i dont need kisses, i dont need overburdening affection, i need sincere apologies, a dash of lighthearted comedy and someone with confidence to tell me itll be ok."
— A, naming what she needed in conflict
"It's you I don't feel like I'd have to hold anything back because I'm overwhelmed! You make me feel I can just let go and talk and I love that."
— A, the hope underneath the fear
The load-bearing axis of pain
The January 2021 conversation made explicit what had been building. For A, certain kinds of intimate attention weren't preferences — they were tied to her sense of being seen as a woman. For S, those same moments felt like high-stakes performance where failure was always possible.
"Honestly it comes down to not feeling like the girl in a relationship. In some ways, I think it feels as if we're still in a homosexual, top/bottom relationship which IS great! But with all that I'm going through, I really need things that make me feel feminine and whatever else describes girly and all in our dynamic."
— A, January 2021
"I thought that night coming down in lingerie would be some kind of sign."
— A, on the signals she hoped would be decoded
"When I'm horny for you all I want to do is caress and kiss you and make you feel beautiful, like the most beautiful woman I've ever met, because that's who you are. My mind doesn't jump to being a dominating person..."
— S, January 2021, his natural expression of desire
"It's especially hard for me to fulfill your needs for intimacy however when you only expect me to be forward when it comes to our love life. I need you to let me know when you want to be close and be together."
— S, the other side of the paradox
"If you want a certain kind of sex life you have to show me, and make it happen. Bring it into the bedroom with us. I'm happy to oblige you to make you feel empowered and sexy..."
— S, intended as empowerment
"I'm just running out of steam trying to express these thoughts without getting the response 'I just want to spice things up' because my answer will continue to be 'then do it!'"
— S, the exhaustion of the mismatch
Neither was wrong. A needed to be pursued without asking. S needed explicit direction to succeed. For A, having to ask negated the affirmation. For S, not knowing felt like being set up to fail. The mismatch was fundamental.
When they tried to repair
3,450 repair attempts across the relationship. These are the moments when someone came back, reached out, offered care. The instinct toward connection never fully left.
"I love you, so much. And I know you're hurting. You know I'm hurting. I want to be able to give you the most truthful and heart felt expression I can give for how this all went."
— A, even in crisis, toward truth-telling and mutual care
"That's something you do on your own terms, I'm just here to support you no matter what. You could come out tomorrow or slowly with just people seeing us and I'd still be the happiest guy ever. Because it doesn't matter to me what people see you as, I see you for you."
— A, supporting S through his identity work
"I hope in time as we settle and heal for ourselves that we can grow together again ❤️"
— S, near the end, still reaching for hope
When the structure gave way
September 2022. Months of isolation, identity work, financial strain, and accumulated injuries had built. A wrote one of the longest messages in the dataset — naming the weight she'd been carrying, the fear of becoming her mother, the feeling of being alone on a lifeboat.
"I love you S, so so so much. I was trying so hard to shield you from my internal troubles, but I couldnt stand to keep you in the dark anymore. I havent made a choice on anything and I want to work with you to understand what is best for US.
I feel alone on a lifeboat that is untethered from what is normal. I am not cis, my career gives me mass amounts of stress... I am cutting ties with my mother, my sole parental figure who I am learning day in and day out how deep her impact on my character has damaged me. I worry that I wont be able to fix that either, and having you essentially be married to a more messed up version of her.
I worry Im not good enough, the glue that has held me together as I have recreated my life when i truly found myself with you has been eroded by the past couple months. Even moreso seeing your stress, your worry, all because of me. I love you, Im so sorry I couldnt contain what was causing my agony. I will not stop loving you, I want to work together to get through these feelings and assess whats best for you, for me, for us."
— A, September 2022
January 2023. Eleven messages. After 132,342. S wrote: "Hey A, I'm sorry for how the phone call ended up going down. All I wanted was to protect us both and get the whole picture of what was happening... I never intended it to feel like an attack... I'd really appreciate it if we could sit down and discuss the options together... so that we can avoid accidentally hurting each other again."
The relationship ended with both people still trying to be careful with each other. The love didn't run out. The structure couldn't hold.
If you recognize these words — the shutdown, the pursuit, the signals that didn't land, the repair that came too late — you're not alone. These dynamics are documented across relationship research. What's unusual here is the depth of the record behind them. For more context on the patterns and what might have interrupted them, see The Patterns and If You Recognize This.