If You Recognize This

If you've ever shut down when things got too heavy and then felt guilty for needing space — that's documented. 183 avoidant markers in the data. A named it herself early: "shutting down like I do is how I've made it so far."

If you've ever pursued someone who went quiet because the silence felt unbearable — that's documented too. 290 pursuit instances. 78 abandonment-fear markers. The need to understand what's happening, to close the gap, to fix it — that's a real nervous system response, not a character flaw.

If you've ever hinted at what you needed instead of asking, or hoped someone would decode your signals — the data shows both people did that. "I thought that night coming down in lingerie would be some kind of sign." The mismatch between what one person needed to ask and what the other needed to be offered wasn't a failure of character. It was a structural mismatch.

This relationship produced 8,297 instances of verbal affirmation. Nearly identical from both people — 4,158 from A, 4,139 from S. They spoke the same primary love language. They gave it freely.

3,450 repair attempts. When things broke, both people came back. Both tried again. Neither stopped trying until the structure itself couldn't hold.

5,033 expressions of joy. Pet names, emojis, "I love you," "I miss you," future-planning, domestic fantasies. The warmth wasn't performative. It was consistent across years.

The analysis puts it plainly: "You were two loving people with incompatible coping mechanisms in a system that asked too much of you both." The love didn't run out. The sustainability did.

The dynamics in this relationship are well-documented in relationship psychology. They have research-backed names and interventions:

• Pursuer-withdrawer (or "protest polka"): One person's need for space triggers the other's need for closeness; both responses are self-protective; together they form a feedback loop. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is specifically designed for this.
• Attachment injuries: The wounds that accumulate when needs go unmet, bids go unanswered, or repair comes too late. These aren't moral failures — they're measurable patterns in the nervous system.
• Emotional labor imbalance: When one person carries more of the relationship maintenance, logistics, and emotional temperature-taking. The gap isn't always visible to the person who could help — especially when the other is skilled at absorbing it.
• Initiation/identity mismatch: When one person needs to be pursued to feel desired, and the other needs explicit direction to succeed. Neither is wrong. The mismatch is structural.

Knowing the names doesn't erase the pain. But it does mean you're not inventing something. You're recognizing something that researchers have studied for decades.

The analysis doesn't offer prescriptions — but it does name what the data suggests could have interrupted the loops:

• Naming the loop while it was happening: "This is our cycle. You're withdrawing because you're overwhelmed. I'm pursuing because I'm scared. We're making it worse for each other. What's our protocol?"
• Space with a return plan: "I need 45 minutes. I'll come back at 8:15 and we'll cuddle and talk for 10 minutes." So the withdrawer gets regulation without the pursuer feeling abandoned.
• Early signaling: "I'm at a 6/10 overwhelm and need [X]." Before the 9/10 explosion.
• Direct asks instead of hints: "I need you to initiate [specific dynamic] because it affirms my womanhood." So the other person isn't expected to decode.
• Professional support: EFT for pursuit-withdrawal. Sex therapy for intimacy mismatch. The Gottman Method for structured repair. These exist because these patterns are common.